Louder Than Bombs

That feeling that can come along, sometimes and, if we are blessed, more than once or twice, where it's as if someone has turned-on a very bright light.....check that my sunglasses are on and in-place - yes, not that, then........light much too bright for something so simple.
It's a realization, one so obvious, of being surrounded by Love, itself being shown and displayed in all manner of ways, by people all around me. More love, much, much more Love, different yet more meaningful love than experienced with a close partner, one who has shared my life and everything within it.
Yes.......a bold statement to make, but I have satisfied myself that it is a true one.
I am amongst amazing people.....surrounded by people......who care. Having recently just about arrived at the point where I can rebuild my shattered heart & life, on my own, without the aid of a safety net, which is, really, where we are all at in this life, I cannot believe how many amazing people surround me, how many are there for me, without expectation of anything in return.
Yet, they have always been there.....The safety net was there all along......we are all alone, yet we are never alone.
I say that these amazing people are all there 'without expectation of anything', but of course, I am expected to be Me.....no major problemo, and I can readily do what I have always done, and be Me, only better, stronger.......the best version of Me that I can be.
Being Me, though, didn't work-out too well for me with my now ex-partner, and whilst I have tried to make some sense of it all, the answers, not that they really matter, were there, plain to see all of the time and staring me in the face.
It has taken me a few years to fully realize that my own emphasis upon virtues such as honesty and openness, with an almost abnormal emphasis on Trust, has been of no use whatsoever to me within that relationship - values, as held by others due to cultural divides, usually meant little to my partner. In accepting my own guilt for whatever my own part has been for our downfall, I will likely never fully understand the reasoning for such waste, but then, I am not meant to understand.
Who am I to expect such things in others I elect to be with as my partner - seriously, it's very much down to me in ensuring that all is well with whomever I am with - I think, sometimes, it's so often the case that we all gloss-over what appear, at the time, to be minor details, which later turn-out to be much more important and significant than we have allowed for.......yes, these things can and do come back to bite us, and bite us hard, if we have been foolish enough to give all of ourselves.
But fuck all of this reflective shite.......No matter all of this, since it has been determined that I now find myself here in Paradise, flying Solo.
As if I should complain.
That even I had been walking around with my eyes closed was perfectly exemplified yesterday - and it merely goes to illustrate just how insular and withdrawn I had become, even living here in Paradise.......I hadn't realized at all.
I am, and have always been a man who truly appreciates the wonder of the tropics, always stopping to smell the roses, or at least thinking so.
After helping me mechanically with what we'll refer to as 'my car troubles', in joint company with another friend Roy, (present for his own part in classic 'observer/advisory mode' only) my friend and Barista Supremo, Glen, suggested we go for a dip at Mossman Gorge - it was the sort of hot and sticky day where such things are not questioned, and I made a grab for my togs and off we went, at very high-speed, in the Mitsubishi Legnum of Joy, to Mossman Gorge.
I had visited the gorge many times, yet never swam there - on arrival, we went for it, swimming across to a large rock some 30 metres out. The water was so cool, and needed caution when first entering. Fitter dudes than I (ie, almost everyone else) have had cardiac arrests due to the shock of the cold immersion.........but man, it was so beautiful. Once on the rock, watching the beauty all around us, it was pure magic, and I just could not bring myself to believe that I had been here for so long and not done this yet. I was even a little angry with myself, but vowed to ensure I would never be so foolish again.
What an epiphany......I felt so alive, and for the first time in such a long time, wanted to Live, really live my life, seeing with such clarity how incredibly lucky I am to be placed here, in this magical, wonderful part of the world. I know now, with certainty, that there is so much more than simply hope, that I need to go-on and live, and to live well. There is purpose and meaning to my life that can never now be taken away.
Over at another good friends place the other evening, along with my housemate Mark.....let's call my other good friend Roy, since this is his name (you will recall that you briefly met Roy a little earlier, as he was helping me with my car, along with Glen).
Now, Roy is still very much reeling from his recent sojourn to the Philippines for what were 10 days of.......well, pleasure, I guess one would call it. Roy, not being a greedy man, found a very sweet woman and remained with only her for the duration of his stay, rather than taking the 'sampler' option, choosing quality over quantity. 
Listening to his recount of events, one could be forgiven for thinking that there were more, such was his special lady's adeptness and agility to be in 'many places at the same time' as it were, no doubt. Unquestionably, though, she was a wonderful companion and friend, and someone who has very clearly brought a great deal of happiness to Roy.
Roy went-on to tell us, when we asked about the availability of condoms, to tell us that there were all manner and kinds of them, different colours, some with horns and Mickey Mouse heads on the end etc. (which all goes to show just how long I had been 'out of the loop')
He firmly and rather proudly stated that he 'took his own over there' and 'only ever used Australian condoms'.
It seemed an appropriate moment to ask him if he had ever noticed the 'Australian Standards' logo as stamped upon the Aussie condoms, and when he replied 'No', I reminded him that he simply "hadn't rolled it down far enough".
Much merriment and chuckles were had, and Mark almost stepped on the dog's balls.....you had to be there really, but said extra-large dogs genitals (since both the dog and it's balls were massively over-sized) were just below his size 16 thong : he's a big guy, is Mark, almost as big as Roy's dog, which really isn't a dog at all, more an over-grown Bengal Tiger, such is the size of him. He was, though, as good as gold all night long, laying down on the cool tiled floor, doing little other than acknowledging our presence every few minutes with the slightest wag of his fucking huge & enormous tail.
He was a beautiful thing, for all of his size, and I can't wait to meet him again - the dog, he was magnificent also.
But back to this Philippines thing - when does it become ok to go and visit such a place as a single man? I haven't ever really been single for long enough to contemplate such things, and I guess we could call it serendipitous that I have never had to search too far for pleasures of the flesh, although many would argue that being married 'doesn't count', in which case I have endured a desperate famine.
I have, though, been to Thailand 3 times, each and every one of them with a woman, who was, most often, my wife. Talk about taking snow to the Eskimo's, or carrying coals to Newcastle, as we would say in the U.K.
I enjoyed the scenic and cultural side of all of my Thailand holidays, all of which were way back in the 1980's, yet the bar girls most often would ignore the fact that I was actually with someone, and rub their eager crotches up and down my leg regardless. What can a man do.......I did ask them to stop, and after a few hours, they did. My wife/partner went a little further than this by pushing them away, or trying to, since there were so many of them. Such was the way of things for the lovely Thai bar girls, when they were not busy chatting to one another, eating a bag of deep-fried crickets eagerly and avidly.
I suspect that little has changed there, and that also, life in the Philippines would not differ greatly from it.
Do I, though, actually want to go there, as a now single man?
Fuck, yes!!.........What do you think I am, fucking crazy???!!!???
Of course, it wouldn't be all about the shagging and fooling around.......there's a whole culture waiting for me to immerse myself within, exotic foods to be sampled and enjoyed, ancient temples and markets to be visited, unmarried Philippino women to be admired & entertained........no, it wouldn't all be about the shagging.
I believe that Roy will be making a return visit in November, with possibly an interim visit sneaking-in after Easter, if all goes to plan for him. I've begun saving, just in case I need that kind of a culture shock, for the November sortie........now then, don't go judge me too harshly........and of course, I promise to wear at least 3 condoms and smear myself in protective jelly, which can actually be a lot of fun, I'm told. I have, for the information of anyone, been surgically amended, happy in the knowledge that my contribution to the gene pool is more than complete. More than enough seeds have been sewn, and I have been firing blanks now for around 7 years - I will, given the opportunity, bang-off a great many more before I finally drop-off the twig and Bite the Big One. I will, though, go-on and live to be at least 100 yrs old.
For now, though, as I sip on the first of a great many Flat Whites here in Everything-Is-Possible-Land, and on polling day here in Queensland, all seems to be well. The cafe is beginning to swell a little with regulars and tourists alike, and even for the off-season, there are a few of those around. I really ought to go and get my vote cast, even though a landslide victory for the LNP is predicted - Bob Katter has tried his best with his Australian Party, but even a break-dancing video cannot completely disguise an absolute knob-jockey, albeit a well-meaning one. Our Bob, bless him, he is loved and loathed in just about equal quantities.
The sky is blue, the sun is shining brightly, the natives are friendly, and I am very much Alive.
My Face Will Be Leaving In 5 Minutes.......................Be On It.