It never rains around here......it just comes pouring down.
Were I to wax-on in any metaphorical manner, many would no doubt rapidly remind me just how very lucky I am to have such climatic joy all around me.
Sure, it rains around here...and it really does come pouring down, too, more often than not, once it begins to rain, in typical Far North Queensland Wet Season Style.
I'm not entirely sure where to begin with this little foray, and have certainly even less of a notion as to where it all may end, but when one feels the urge to write, well, at least I've always been a believer that one really should put pen to paper, or fingers very clumsily to keyboard, in this case.
In a place where relaxation is de rigeur, why am I finding it so very difficult to relax?
What is it that I want and need in order that this most essential of reasons for coming here is allowed to come to fruition? It's certainly not the weather, that old chestnut that gets the blame and/or is the talking point so many times, and of course, often when there isn't any other valid talking point around the place, we'll completely & reliably turn to the weather to bail us out where no other words, sayings, statements or expressions are either relevant or come to mind, that is, to our aid.
Can't do it this time, though.....I believe we've already talked far more 'weather' than has been good for this particular scribbling, and just as mentioned, mostly due to my own fumblings as to where on Earth to begin and worse still, where to go with it, where it will take me.
I've felt so unsettled now, not in a way where I question being in the right place - I could put good money upon the feelings being at least twice as bad if I were anyplace else - nor as to being with the 'wrong people', although I am always one to constantly question this particular issue, even spending most of my life doing so, very likely more through self-doubt blended with a little lack of self respect than to any mysterious reason, not that I expect any of this to make any sense, at least not just yet.
If it doesn't to me, how will to to anyone else, I hear myself saying.......the voices in the head are crapping-on yet again.
Anything I'm likely to state cannot really appear to anyone else as it really is, as I perceive it to be in reality, that is, any more than it can paint or tarnish me as anything other than some ungrateful & whinging bastard who doesn't know when he is well-off - well, it's not much use if all I ever write are things that avoid ultimate truths, avoid the real stuff of life, as we live it, in that warts and all kind-of way. And I've always tried to live my own life this way, to the amusement of some and to the despair and distaste of yet others, and in doing so, have tried to actively seek-out, along the way, like minded others who do similarly - people who are open books, real people, as most would refer to them as, but they are much more than simply real, these most elusive of folk - as rare as shit from a rocking horse or hen's teeth, they represent the very foundation of why I have now, and have always had, so few people that I can call 'Friends'. To the surprise of many, no, it's not at all that I'm some kind of horrible bastard - it's through choice........Mine.
I can see already that this little etching is flying around in a very haphazard manner, making little sense even to me, it's author - I know what I want to say, just not in which order I want to say it, I think.
Let's try and get it back on track, just a bit........taking one issue at a time might be the way forward here.
Relaxation, now that's where we began, so back to this precious stuff - I never seem to have a single day where I'm not running around, sorting-out 'Things' that never seem to get sorted out....you know the ones.....we fix-up 3 of them, only for 12 more to appear sneakily (or blatantly in your face with added arrogance) - perhaps, as an example, we'll need to call the power company, who, reliably as ever, have spectacularly fucked-up our latest bill, or calling RACQ to transfer membership from another state (as opposed to an Alternate State....even a Euphoric State), or making moves toward changing over driving licenses, car registration, names, addresses, telephone numbers and chasing down the error of other people's mail that is simultaneously and in total violation being sent on to us, redirected along with our own, on the basis of the person having the same surname as my wife, yet very clearly with a first name that could not be more different........mail from the new occupier of our old rental home, if this is still making sense.
I've had to chase-up this little beauty 4 times now and it's still not sorted - and we don't, quite clearly, get all of this persons mail, just one or 2 every 2 weeks or so........it doesn't take a Particle Physicist to see that this is the error of a single employee at the sorting office, who, when seeing the surname, doesn't bother to check the first name matches that as listed upon the redirection order.
But I am asking way too much for my 50-odd bucks that I shouldn't get the mail of others, I know......how very pedantic of me.
I'm feeling medium-sized twinges of that old feeling sorry for myself thing creeping-in, but superimposed upon it are other feelings that state, quite openly, that I am allowed to do so, just at the moment - that I have a Free Self Pity Pass....a bit like a get out of jail free card, that I can use at any time.....I choose to use my pass Now, if you don't mind, no question about it, right now, Please.
I need to relax, just for a little while.......need enough down time to fully unwind, although maybe that's a little ambitious, since it would take more time than I have left, almost certainly, to do that........and so the circle completes itself.......the ultimate worry, the uber, most scary and terrifying worry of them all, that of not having enough Time.
Could this be at the heart of everything here?
Certainly, in recent weeks, it's been this that has plagued me more than anything else, yet short of taking fistfuls of Valium, there really are no solutions to it. Perhaps, even, if I didn't have these distractions of having so many things to tend to all the time, incessant shite that keeps on coming, and all of it for Me, Myself and I to deal with, it would be many times worse........but again, as I type these very words, what a whinging bastard I must sound like, under what are my own apparently wonderful to the observer, life-circumstances......maybe others simply don't bother to write about such things....and I'm one of these people, usually, one to get on with it, to have no more than an 'angry of Port Douglas here' moment, to smash away at things as they come to me, like swatting flies, done, done, now on to the next one-style, ready & waiting for the next barrage to come........being on-top of things, as it were.
I guess what I'm trying to say here is that there is an overriding feeling of never being able to get close to this state of play........something I never had issues with not so long ago.
It's not helping being angry, either, since it's so easy to lose focus of reality in this most useless of states - Anger.....surely one of the useless emotions up for elimination, along with jealousy and coveting one's neighbour's wife - to be phased-out come the next Millennium.......and now, all I really need to do is to add my coming & going feelings of not being understood and there it all is.........still, I will go marry a woman from a far away land who I can't properly communicate with, won't I, eh?
Dare I say it......Without in any way wishing to sound up myself, yet almost with absolute certainty, doing the very opposite, many's the day when I wish, very, very deeply that I were but A Simple Man.
I can be my own worst enemy, of course - that I choose to not surround myself with an abundance of friends, nor do I want to join this or that club or organization, to find something in which I could be interested. (this always sounds too much like hard work to me - shouldn't these things just present themselves to us? Why must we think long & hard about what extra-curricular activities we should do - Fuck all that rubbish) Yet having few hobbies or club memberships does little to help the feelings of solitude - never has, and never will - yet it's always been the way, the path that I've taken, to be so selective and, really, a man on his own. Small wonder, then, that I have overriding feelings of not being fully understood, since I've seen to it, time & again, that there's never anyone around anywhere to ever be bothered to try.
So what seems to have emerged here are a couple of things, these seemingly being, in brief, (for me, at least):
1. The fear of not having enough time left to do what is needed - not that I have the first idea exactly what it is that's left to do.
2. The inability to properly relax due to a variety of reasons....pain and all that comes with it aside, which is a whole other book-in-waiting......ongoing and everyday issues that only I am able to sort-out - but mainly, and far worse, it has to be said, originating from other people's slack-arsed ways, the errors of others that I end-up having to correct, multiple times (no, really, this is as true as I sit here) - things that lesser beings.......let's call them that, since I am an intelligent enough man.......would struggle with........if the fuckwittery of others can get to me, then surely many others would fall completely by the wayside.
It dawns upon me suddenly that these may be the very people who waste time and our tax dollarpounds appearing before judges for repeatedly not paying traffic fines/gas bills/the fuck-up's of others etc.
Eureka!
I am no fool, but intelligence alone cannot stop the enormity, the sheer mass of crap that needs sorting out, that keeps on coming, day after day.........being proactive is no kind of weapon - and it always used to be thus, but it simply isn't anymore....there's just too much of it about, this Crap.
(My oh my, didn't #2 go-on a bit there!)
3. Loneliness - that I have a beautiful wife, and a daughter who is wonderful, in spite of her occasional idiocy, typically teenage twattery and couldn't give a fuck about anyone but Me attitude - all normal teenage fare, in other words, along with my living in Paradise, that I cannot ever seem to shake-off the feelings of being totally and utterly On My Own.
(This one really isn't anything new - not new to having relocated, I should add) and whilst I had then, and still have a very wonderful friend, who knows well enough who he is, the feelings of being very much Alone remain as always, for me, a very overpowering and all-encompassing feeling.
Is it depression? I'm not sure that even severe depression is capable of such things, not on it's own, and I am qualified enough to be able to state this - bouts of depression, being familiar visitors to me, tend to take things in a single direction, where this stuff all seems much more multifaceted and multi-directional.
Another thing that is a real failing of mine - and strange that it should be seen as such, but it is, in the end, a serious failing........I give too much, much too much, which leaves so little left in the pot for Me.......what can happen then, is that I half expect certain others to give me just a little in return, when of course, for the most part, they do not.....they cannot, not really, nor should they be asked to - what needs to happen, really, is for me to reign-in the Giving, just a little bit, or at least try harder in making some of it totally unconditional.
It's an unconscious thing that we do, this giving, I'm sure.....and I couldn't just stop Giving if it meant saving my life......if perhaps I could just better understand why I am so predisposed to be Me.......but then, we aren't really allowed to fully see into those depths of who we are, only tantalizing glimpses.........trailers of a movie, that sometimes leave us wanting more, sometimes not.....there are a great many movies, of course, that we have no interest at all in seeing, and likely as not, would be no surprise of any kind were we to find out, eventually, one day, that we were never meant to unravel and/or understand so many of the things that our minds lead us toward tampering with.......we might be inquisitive beings, but it's something of a design flaw, I feel sure, that we become preoccupied with things we have little hope of ever being able to comprehend.
4. I Think (Too Much).......Therefore I Am......A Very, very Foolish Man.
And isn't the answer, so often, staring us right in the face all the while?
I am, though, still searching for my Reset button.
This blog will likely self-destruct, or better yet, not be read by anyone.
